Text Box: Willie Murphy And Other Assorted Characters There really was a Willie Murphy. He and his wife Bella were, as they say, ‘fond of the drink’. Like R.L Marshall’s character ‘Guldy’ they lived in a world “in which whiskey occupied an undisputed place at the top of the scale and ‘blow-hard’ near the bottom, with a roughly graduated list of liquids of differing alcoholic content in between”. I grew up listening to tales of Willie and Bella. Most of them are true. Doubtless a few are apocryphal…. but why let the truth get in the way of a good yarn? Willie was renowned for his sharp wit and turn of phrase. Some stories about him have even made it into the repertoires of stand up comics like the one where he went to see Dr. Love and complained about not feeling well. After a thorough examination Dr. Love said he could find nothing wrong. “It must just be the drink,” says Dr Love. To which Willie replied “Alright then Doctor, I’ll come back when you are sober.” Here then are a few yarns about Murphy and other assorted characters from Maghera and beyond. The Tourists Tourists used to be a common sight in Maghera. They were always good for a story. Take this one for example. Willie Murphy was standing at the Hall St. corner when a car pulls up and a man sticks his head out the window and asks “Will this road take me to Tobermore”? “I don’t know,” says Murphy “I’ve been standing here for half an hour and it hasn’t taken me anywhere yet” Another American tourist stopped Willie Murphy on the Main Street one day and asked “Tell me buddy, were there any great men born in this village?” Murphy replied “No sir, only babies” On another occasion a Canadian visitor engaged him in conversation and asked, “Have you lived here all your life?” Murphy smiled and replied “Not yet” The O’Murphy Clan On yet another occasion he had ‘fallen in’ with an American tourist in O’Hara’s Bar. They were getting on famously and the American says, “Tell me this Buddy. I thought that all Irish last names began with an O’. You’ve got O’Haras, O’Neills, O’Caseys, O’Donnells, O’Learys but your name is just plain and simple Murphy. Surely it should be O’Murphy?” “Well to be quite honest with you sir” says Willie “ there’s something in what you say for there’s no family in the country more worthy of the name O’Murphy than us” “And why’s that?” inquired the American “Because we owe everyone’ says Willie. Speaking In Tongues Willie Murphy and Stick Leg McMurray were standing in the Bank Square one day when a tourist came up and said “Parley vous francais?” They shook their heads “Sprechen sie Deutch?” “No” “Habla Espaniol?” Again their reply was in the negative “Parliano Italiano?” Yet again they shook their heads. The gentleman walked off and Stick Leg says “Willie do you not think we’d be better employed taking night classes to learn a few foreign languages.” “Ach not at all” says Murphy “Sure that poor ould crater knows four and look all the far it got him.” Old McGaughey Old McGaughey was drinking in McMaster’s pub and he says to the man sitting down the bar “I should know you shouldn’t I for I’ve seen you often enough.” “Aye deed you do know me”, says the man “My name’s Flynn and I live the other side of Gulladuff. “Ach I remember you now” says McGaughey “There were two of you, two brothers, one of you died in a fire and the other lived. Which one are you?” Pity For Pat McKenna One day Willie Murphy stopped to talk Stick Leg McMurray outside Noone’s grocery shop. “Harry” says he “did you hear that Father Duffy refused to bury Pat McKenna in the graveyard” Stick Leg’s face took on a look of shock “My God!,” he said, “Why in the name of thunder did he do that?” “He wasn’t dead,” says Murphy Mickey And Stick Leg Mickey Shoddy was a small cross-eyed man. One day he and Stick Leg McMurray accidentally collided on the footpath outside Harry Crawford’s. “Why don’t you look where you’re going,” roared Mickey. “I will in future,” shouted Stick Leg, “but in the meantime why don’t you go where you’re looking” Doing The Donkey Walk Joe Drum was infuriated. A malicious talebearer had told him that Tom McKay said he walked like his donkey. This was fighting talk! Joe headed straight to McKay’s house and found him working out in the back yard. “Did you say I walked like my donkey?” “I said nothing of the kind.” “What did you say then?” “All I said was that your donkey walked like you.” “Oh is that all? That’s alright then!” And with that he turned and went home. The Convoy To Moville Joe Drum was also famous for his one great saying. Years ago the emigrants to America would walk along with friends and family to Moville in County Donegal to catch the trans- Atlantic boat. The convoy to Moville, as it became known, was a sad affair since those who were leaving would, in all likelihood, never see their native shores and loved ones again. Joe Drum, ever eager to be helpful and wishing to ease the pain of the moment, pronounced a benediction as the emigrants were about to board the boat. He declared, “May God be with them that’s going for I’ll be with them that’s staying” The Country Drive Occasionally Willie and Bella were taken for a Sunday afternoon “spin” around the country in a friend’s car. On one such drive they were passing by a large field when they noticed a curious donkey peering through the hedge. “Look Willie” laughed Bella “there’s one of your relatives” “It is indeed,” agreed Willie “But only by marriage” The Other Side A rather distraught looking man somewhat the worse for wear for alcohol approached Eoin Walsh and inquired as to where the other side of the street was located. “It’s over there,” said Eoin pointing across the road. “My God” said the drunk “that’s very odd for Josey Martin told me it was over here”. The Wife’s Doing a Line! Willie Given was sitting one day in the hedge at Burns’s Brae. In his hand he was holding two wee pebbles with which he kept gently tapping his head. Up comes Henry Hutchinson and says “What are you doing there Willie Given?” “I’m going to beat my brains in” says Willie in a low voice, “for the wife’s doing a line with Johnny McKeown. “And what” asks Henry “are you going to use to beat your brains in with’? “I’m going to do it way these,” says Willie, showing Henry the pebbles. “Ach those would be no good” says Hutchinson going over to the ditch and lifting out two big sharp stones. “Here”, he says, “try these” Willie Given looked at the two big sharp stones and then looked at the two wee pebbles and said “Ach, I don’t think I’ll bother the day.” The Government Post Willie Murphy had been on the drink all day. It was now after One AM and the barman at O’Hara’s had finally persuaded the patrons to leave. “Ach well said Murphy sure I might as well go home and warm my feet in front of a big roaring wife” So off he staggered down Main Street singing and shouting as he went. Just past Hall Street he felt he could go no farther without falling and as good fortune would have it there was a convenient lamppost around which he was able to wrap his arms. Just then his arch foe Sergeant Murdoch, Maghera’s Wyatt Earp, came round the corner and spied him swaying in the breeze supported only by the pole. “ Willie Murphy, what are you doing there,” roared Murdock “Ach Sergeant” says Murphy “much the same as yourself. I’m just trying to hold on to a government post” For Better Or For Worse Bella Murphy was having trouble with Willie. In her distress she went and asked Father Duffy if he could give her any advice. “Well” says Father Duffy “You could, as Saint Paul taught, try kindness thereby heaping coals of fire on his head” “No Father that wouldn’t do any good” says Bella “for I tried scalding him once with water and that didn’t work” On another occasion Willie says to Bella “I married you for life but can I get time off for good behaviour?” Rat’s Birthday Willie Murphy, when he had drink taken, became a great philosophizer. He would often wax eloquent on current affairs, religion and local events. One night he was asked to propose a toast to Rat O’Neill on the occasion of his birthday. Willie stood to his feet, raised his glass and said, “To what shall I compare our dear friend Rat? I can’t compare him to the Sun for he’s not that bright. I can’t compare him to the Stars for they only come out at night and our friend Rat is on the go the whole time. And I can’t compare him to the Moon for the moon is full only part of the time while happily our friend Rat is full all of the time. To the incomparable Rat O’Neill, Happy Birthday!” Gathering Spuds Willie Murphy was a hard worker when the notion came on him. He’d often do seasonal work for local farmers and one year he was hired by old man Marshall to help gather potatoes. However, this one particular day old Marshall came along and sat down beside the hedge. He just sat there for hours holding unto his walking stick staring at Willie and his co-worker. Willie didn’t like this arrangement one little bit as it make him feel quite nervous and awkward. So eventually Willie went over to him and asked, “Mr. Marshall, do you play draughts?” “Ach sure I do indeed” replied old man Marshall “why do you ask? “Because,” says Willie “if you don’t soon make a move you’re about to lose two men” The Puzzle Of The Traveling Bus It was a wet kind of an old day and a group of ‘fellas’ were gathered at Carson Cauldwell’s garage at the foot of the town. The craic was mighty when up speaks “Rambutt” Richardson and says, “Fellas, I’ve got a puzzle for you. There was this bus that left Maghera with thirty passengers on it and when it got to the Hill Head ten passengers got off and five got on. Are you following? Then it went on to Castledawson and six got off and nine got on. Are you following? When it came to Magherafelt nineteen passengers got off and fifteen got on. Are you with me? “Wait a minute wait a minute,” says Charlie the Bear how many got off?” “Nineteen got off.” “And how many got on?” “Fifteen. Are you with me?” Nods of approval. “Then, the bus went on to Tobermore and seven got off and four got on. Then it came back to Maghera and everybody got off.” “Now did you follow all that?” says Rambutt. “We did,” they all agreed. “Good” say Rambutt “Now here’s the question. Tell me, what was the name of the bus driver?” Of course, no one knew the answer so Rambutt says, “His name was Brown.” “How do you get that?” says Dido McAtamney “Because his Father’s name was Brown.” Well they laughed and roared and lambasted ‘Rambutt’ for telling such a daft story. But they had to admit however that he’d ‘got them’. On into the afternoon they continued telling yarns and talking nonsense till a little later Willie Murphy joined their company. After a while Jimmy the Spat says to Richardson, “Hi Rambutt, ask Willie to solve that puzzle you told earlier about the bus and see if Willie can work it out”. So Rambutt starts in “There was this bus that left Maghera with thirty passengers”. And so he began to spin his yarn taking the bus to the Hill Head on through Castledawson: With such and such a number getting off in Magherafelt and such and such a number in Tobermore and so on and so forth back to Maghera. “Now Willie, Did you follow all that?” asks Rambutt when he had finished. “I did indeed,” says Murphy “ Now Willie here’s the question. Tell me,” and then he paused for effect, “what was the name of the driver?” “I haven’t got a clue.” “His name was Brown.” “How do you get that?” “Because his Father’s name was Brown” Wait a minute, not so fast,” says Murphy with a glint in his eye “how could his name have possibly been Brown when according to your facts and figures there were only twenty-four people on the bus when it arrived in Tobermore? A Pain In The? Doctor Johnston had a patient one-day who complained about having a great pain in, ‘his kidilies’. “The word is kidneys not kidilies’ corrected Dr Johnston “Oh diddil I say kidilies?” Collecting Bottles When Willie Murphy was a wee lad there was a common practice of charging a deposit for drinks that came in glass bottles. If you wanted a bottle of Coke you’d pay, not only for the Coke, but also you’d have to pay a small deposit on top of the purchase price. The deposit, of course, was given back when the bottle was returned. Young Willie, in his enterprising fits, would often make a few extra bob by going about finding empty mineral (soft drink) bottles. He soon discovered likewise there was money to be made on empty whiskey bottles so he began knocking doors and asking people if they had any such bottles in their homes. One day he knocked on the door of a well know religious lady. Says Willie to her “Missus would you happen to have any ould whiskey bottles in there”. Well, she stood for a moment just glaring down at him with a face on her like a Sphinx. There she stood arms folded with her hair tied up in a bun with a great big pin sticking through it. Her long black dress smelt musty and old. Her eyes were cols and disapproving. Willie for a moment was quite terrified. “Do I look like a woman who drinks whiskey?” she sneered through her tight thin lips. Willie stood back, looked her up and down then says, “I suppose not. But tell me, you wouldn’t happen to have any empty vinegar bottles would you? The Medical Philosopher A certain Doctor from Maghera, who will remain nameless, was never known to refuse a drink. One night he was relaxing with a pint in Richardson’s pub when someone said to him “Have you no patients to see tonight Doctor” A little the worse for wear he replied “Well Sammy it’s like this, it doesn’t matter whether I see them or not. For I’ll tell you the truth, half of them are so sick that all the Doctors in the world couldn’t cure them and the other half are that strong that all the Doctors in the world couldn’t kill them….so make mine a half one when you’re ready” The Solo Socials were a great event in years gone by. A hall would be secured and an evening’s entertainment would be arranged. Poems would be recited, songs sung and skits enacted and the whole district would converge for a night’s craic. At one such social in the Curragh Orange Hall, just outside Maghera, the evening was in full swing when the Master of Ceremonies announced “ And now Ladies and Gentlemen, Miss Maisey McFarland will sing us a solo”. Suddenly a loud voice from the back of the hall erupted shouting “Maisey McFarland’s nothing but an ould bitch”. Instantly the M.C. responded “Nevertheless! Miss Maisey McFarland will now sing us a solo”. Run, Run Quick ,Quick Run! At Roger’s barber shop a man was sitting in the chair having his hair cut when suddenly the door bursts open and a man runs in shouting “run quick Mr. Smith run quick your house is on fire” The man jumps off the chair runs out the door, towels and all, and flies like the hammers away down Hall Street and then suddenly stops and says, “What am I running for, sure my name’s not Smith.” The Small Religious Object Eoin Walsh, author of the marvelous little book ‘Famous Men of Maghera’, was not very tall man. In these days of political correctness we would probably say he was ‘vertically challenged’. However, never having heard of ‘PC’, there were those in Maghera who said he was ‘that small he could do a handstand under the kitchen sink’. Still others said ‘he wouldn’t be eleven feet tall even if he stood on top of a six-foot ladder’. However, what he lacked in stature he made up for with religious zeal and fervor. A devout Catholic he often attended Mass every day and rarely missed any event in the Chapel. The following yarn was told by Eoin to one of his Protestant friends. “Last night we had a mission at the Chapel” he said “and the visiting priest was stirring us up to fever pitch when he said ‘now everybody hold up a small religious object’; and the man to my right just turned around and held me up above his shoulders.” Wild West Willie When Willie Murphy was getting on in years the young lads used to talk to him to see if they could get any stories and ould yarns. One day he told a group of them “You probably don’t know this lads but when I was a very young man I emigrated to the States and went out West. One day, when minding my own business, Apaches attacked me. But I didn’t worry too much because I had a fine horse and I thought I could probably out run them. However they kept gaining me so I headed up a canyon and took cover behind some rocks. I emptied my rifle into them and then my two six guns but to my horror I discovered my bullets had run out and they were still coming at me. Twenty Apaches rushed me and I didn’t have so much as a pen knife to defend myself.” Then Willie stopped talking and sat there not speaking a word. Eventually one of the lads spoke up and said, “Well what happened next Willie, what happened next? “Why they killed me, of course. Damn them for a pack of savages they killed me.” The Business Rivals There was always a great rivalry between Jack Scott and Tom McKinney who were both in the grocery business in Maghera. One day they ran into each other at Nuts Corner Airport. “Where are you going to today?” asks McKinney Jack Scott hesitated then said, “I’m going to Manchester” “You’re such a liar Scott” McKinney said as he got all flustered. “You’re telling me you are going to Manchester to make me think that you’re going to Glasgow but I’ve made inquiries and I know you really are going to Manchester.” The Auctioneer Bull Bradley was an auctioneer many years ago in Maghera. His main rival was Roy Crawford and one day they happened to meet at the Bank Square. “Bull,” says Roy “I had a dream last night and you were in it” “I was?” “Yes indeed. I dreamed I died and was waiting in line to get into Heaven. “Boys a boys, is that a fact” says Bull “Indeed it is” says Roy. “There was Saint Peter standing with his long white beard interviewing everyone who was trying to get in and to my shock I saw you standing up ahead of me in the line. When you got up to Saint Peter he says to you “what’s your name” and you said “Bull Bradley.” Then St Peter says, “ Where are you from?” “I’m from Maghera” you replied with a swell in your chest. “Occupation?” “I’m an auctioneer,” you said proudly. “Welcome to Heaven,” says St Peter “go on on in”. “Well this gave me some hope when I saw how easy it was for you,” says Roy “so when my turn came St. Peter looks at me and says “Name?” “Roy Crawford” “Where from?” “Maghera” ‘Occupation?” “Auctioneer” “I’m sorry Mr. Crawford,” says St. Peter but we don’t allow auctioneers in here” “Wait a minute,” says I “ I saw you letting Bull Bradley in just a moment ago” “ Ach, now now Mr. Crawford,” says St Peter “Sure everybody knows Bull Bradley’s no auctioneer.” Where? Roy Crawford and Bull Bradley bumped into each other one day in Magherafelt and Bull, trying to be smart said, “ Now where in hell have I seen you before” “That all depends,” said Crawford. “Whereabouts in Hell do you come from?” Politicians “What do you think of our politicians?’ said stick Leg to Willie one day. “Well,” says Willie, “when it comes to politicians in our area one man is as good as another and, for that matter, very often a great deal better.” The Only way To Travel Rat O’Neill was going into York Street Station to catch the train back to Maghera when up comes Charlie The Bear and says “Rat can you help me? I’m flat broke and I need the price of a ticket to get home”. “Well” says Rat “I’m pretty broke myself but I’ll tell you what I’ll do. You get into the same carriage as me and hide under the seat and I’ll cover you with my legs.” This then was agreed and Rat went off and bought two tickets to Maghera. The train pulled out of the station and Charlie hid under the seat making himself as comfortable as possible. Eventually the conductor came by and Rat gave him the two tickets. “And where’s the other passenger?” asked the conductor. Rat tapped his forehead , gave the conductor a knowing look, and said “That’s my friend’s ticket. You see he’s somewhat eccentric and prefers to travel under the seat.” The Price Of A Pint Old Archie Mac was a harmless soul but very fond of the drink. Always thirsty, he had the reputation of often being “on the tap”. In other words he didn’t mind asking people for a few bob to help quench his thirst. One day he met Mickey Bryson, who had a reputation of being a man difficult to separate from his money. “I saw your photo in the paper the other day” says Archie “You did, did you” says Bryson “and I suppose you asked the photo for the price of a drink?” “Ach not at all” said Archie “The picture was such a perfect likeness of yourself that I knew there’d be no point.” The Night Of The Long Knives Murphy and the boys had been getting fed up with Mickey Bryson. His meanness, when it came to money, knew no bounds. He was the kind of man who when it came to giving stopped at nothing. He was the sort who was always available if you wanted to buy him a drink but when his round came he’d disappear. So a plan was hatched to give him a right sickener. Mickey was cordially invited to a night of drinking up Sam Stockman’s Entry. The bottles were passed and the craic began. Mickey, however didn’t notice that every time the bottle was passed to him the lads were letting him drink out of a specially concocted bottle of mixed wine and spirits. Mickey eventually began to feel unwell but the drink was free so he kept on imbibing. Eventually he could take no more and went over to the corner and began to heave up. “Oh Lord,” he cried as he wretched “I offer this up for the sins of the world” He wretched a second time and again petitioned “Oh Lord I offer this up for the suffering in the world” Stick Leg turned in disgust to Murphy and the rest of the lads and quipped, “My God boys, look at that, he’s that mean he’d let nothing go to waste.” Making Her Mark Clara Stewart, a big barrel of a woman, never learned to read or write so when she had to sign anything she simply made an X. One time a parcel arrived for her and instead of the customary X she made an O. The postman was a wee bit confused and said “Clara what happened to your normal signature? Why did you put an O instead of an X? “Ach Jimmy I thought you knew” says Clara “ I got married last Saturday and I had to change my name.” Confusion Twice Confounded A very well meaning gentleman was trying to get Willy Murphy to amend his ways. He reasoned with him about temperance and the evils of drink. “Deed aye you’re right, I agree with you entirely,” says Murphy “the only reason I drink is to forget my childhood” “Your childhood?” “Yes, my childhood. You see very few people know that when I was born up at Tirnoney, I was a twin and no one, not even my dear old mother, God rest her, could tell us apart. Me brother and I were playing outside one evening and me Da was coming into the yard with the horse and cart. Suddenly the horse bolted and ran over one of us. Now this is where my difficulties started. Everybody thought it was my brother who was killed and I was the one who lived. But I was the one that was killed and my brother the one who lived and ever since then, the only thing that gives me any comfort is the drink. Passing Wind Willie Murphy, in his schooldays, was sitting in class when the teacher, Miss Bradley, accidentally passed wind. Willie began to laugh and the embarrassed teacher threatened “You stop that at once Willie Murphy” “Ach Mam I can’t,” says Willie “sure it’s half way down the road by now” A Bad Case Of Ulsters Carson Cauldwell shuffled in to see Joe Burns one day. Up the long stairs he went to the office and was almost out of breath by the time he reached the top. How are you Carson asked Mr. Burns? Unfortunately, Carson never having heard the rhyme “Tell not your friends of your indigestion; ‘how are you doing?’ is a greeting, not a question” launched into a monologue about his ailing health. Here’s how it ended; “ Aye and you know Joe I’m far from well. I’m very bad way the ould stomach as well. I was away at the Doctors and he says I’m very bad. He says I’ve got Ulsters in me stomach. Aye, that’s what he said, I’m bad way the Ulsters.” Your Brave Warm Work It was a cold dark winter’s morning in Upperlands and the rain was spitting against the windows of Tommy’s house. The alarm clock had gone off for the second time. Outside the wind was howling with threatening menace. Tommy turned over on his side and said to the wife “You go on to your brave warm work and I’ll try and stick it out here till lunch time.” A Man With A Mission Wully S was a harmless decent man but a character in some ways. Take for example the night his wife, Mrs. S, was giving birth to her sixth child. The mid wife had come to render assistance and Mrs. S was now having ever closer contractions . It was just past eleven at night so Wully climbs into the bed and gets under the covers. “Mr. S,” says the mid wife “you need to get up out of that for your wife’s about to give birth.” “Deed not,” says Wully “I need my sleep. I’ve got to get up the morra to gather spuds”. And with that, he turned over, nodded off and stayed there for the rest of the night. The Plural Of Last?* Alfie Kilpatrick was a Saddler by trade. He also doubled for many as a cobbler. One day he decided to send off for two cobblers lasts so he composed a note to the manufacturer. “Dear Sirs” it read, “Please send me two lasts”. Reading what he had written he thought perhaps something was wrong. What would the plural of last be? Was lasts really the correct word? Just then the Fairy Campbell came in and Alfie says to him “John Joe, what’s the plural of cobbler’s last? Would it be cobbler’s lasts?” “Muum humm” says Fairy Campbell. (No one knew why he did it but the Fairy always started his sentences by saying Muum Humm) “Muum humm” says Fairy and then with his pronounced lisp said “I sthink thatss it’ss lastae or lastee or ssome kind of Latin construction”. Alfie was unconvinced so he wrote, “Dear sirs, Please send me a cobblers last and while you’re at it please send me another one” *I doubt the authenticity of this story as it appears in many varied forms in different parts of the country. However that does not stop it from being a good yarn if told properly. Out Of The Will Archie Mac, unhappy at his son’s behaviour, threatened to not even leave him so much as a shilling in his will. His son immediately replied “But Da, where would you borrow the shilling”? The Solution Willie Murphy met Dr. Love on the Main Street one afternoon and said, “Doctor, something is badly wrong. When I get up in the morning I have dizziness for half an hour and then I feel great.” What should I do?” “Get up after half an hour” replied Dr. Love Guttyass McKenna George Barnett was walking out of Draperstown one day when he encountered the infamous Mr. Guttyass McKenna. Just so that you’ll understand the name ‘Guttyass’, it seems the McKennas in those days were so numerous that most of them had nicknames to distinguish them one from the other. Guttyass had not always been so named. Apparently, when he was a wee lad he had come in from school one day with the backside torn out of his trousers. His mother, being the thrifty sort, took a gutty (an ancient version of the training shoe), melted down the sole and patched his trousers. From that day on till the day he died Patrick Joseph McKenna was simply known as Guttyass. Now back to the story. George Barnett meets Guttyass and after exchanging the usual civilities said, “Guttyass, you come from a remarkable family” “Do you think so?” “Aye, I do indeed!” “And why’s would that be?” “Well first of all, your Mother saw the Ghost of the Carn” “Aye, deed she did” And your wife, sure she saw the fairies dancing at Lough Fea” “Aye deed so.” “And your daughter, she saw the Virgin Mary at Ardboe” “Aye, boys that’s right in deed” “ How come it is then,” says George “ that not one of you have seen your cows in my corn for this last two weeks?” Pin McDonald And The Flying Missile When Pin McDonald was a young lad a few of his friends had gathered at the Bank Square. They began to tell yarns and stories and the craic was mighty. But by now it was getting late and Pin had to go home as his mother was unwell. So he says “Come on lads we’ll call it a night” But no one stirred. The craic was too good. And Pin, well he didn’t want to go home and miss out on anything so he stayed a while longer. Then being once more urged by the silent call of filial duties he said, “Ah fellas, it’s getting late, sure we’ll call it a day”. Again no one stirred. Just then Pin lifted a big stone and hurled it through Sonny McCuskers window smashing it to pieces. Then Pin looked around at them and said “I howl ye, yees will go home now.” Willie And The Raging Bull One day Bella sent Willie over to Marshall’s farm to buy some eggs. It was a nice sort of a day, so on the way home Willie thought he would take a short cut across the fields. Little did he know, however, that he was now in the domain of Marshall’s prize bull; and Marshall’s bull not being endowed with many social graces took a rather dim view of trespassers. Willie hadn’t realized he still could run so swiftly but when the bull charged he took to his feet like ten men and a wee fella and just managed to get over the gate thus avoiding the full force of bovine wrath. Alas, however, the eggs didn’t enjoy the same measure of success. They never even made it to the gate as they were thrown heavenward by Willie, as he sought to find some extra speed: And Willie thus had to return empty handed to a domestic scene dominated by a somewhat less than tranquil bliss. “Where’s the eggs?” demanded Bella “Marshall’s bull got them”. “What would an ould bull want with a dozen eggs? ”Well I don’t mean he got them to eat for his lunch but he’d have eaten me if he’d caught up with me.” “So he chased you out of the field” “Aye” “You let him chase you out of the field and him just a slip of an ould bull! A poor dumb beast that wouldn’t hurt a fly frightened you…. You big eegit you! What are you made of at all William Murphy? Are you a man or a mouse?” Well she lambasted him and rebuked him till he finally ‘ got all riz’ and off he went armed with a stick to take revenge on Marshall’s big bull. Climbing into the field and retracing his footsteps however, he found no sign of his foe but instead spied a few young calves in the corner down by the hedge. So Willie charged like a warrior of old into the midst of the fray striking the calves with a few stout blows. Of course the calves scattered so Willie called after them “Go home now go home and tell that father of yours what kind of a man Willie Murphy is.” Have you got a True Tale of Maghera or beyond? Email Miles HOME MAGHERA